In the Eye of the Storm

Imagine life just starting to get good, feeling like things are finally falling into place. Seemingly worry free and looking forward to starting a new year off with a bang! 

And then the unexpected happens or should I say the unexpected returns! 

Just 6 weeks  after my husband died in 2018, I was diagnosed with a rare eye cancer with no cure, Ocular Melanoma. As hard as the news was to accept then, it's even harder now with a new diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Uveal Melanoma. 

Out of all my journeys in grief, widowhood and self discovery, my cancer journey has been the hardest to accept with a limited life expectancy.  

As I face this new reality I hope you continue to follow me on this journey of embracing life fully and finding joy in each moment until the very end. 

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

Transcript

The Anticipation of a Life-Changing Scan

Speaker 1 0:00

I'm gonna go through the day that I found out my cancer returned Well , not really returned , because it's always been there . Because there's no cure for ocular melanoma , so think of it as sort of being dormant and just waiting to metastasize . It's really hard to explain unless you have ocular melanoma and it's really hard for people to understand when there's been so many advancements in cancer treatments . Most people just assume because I had my eye removed and I did do radiation as well that it was gone . But the harsh reality for this disease is that there is no cure and there may not be a cure today , but hopefully there will be one day .

Speaker 1 1:01

So on Monday , november 6 , 2023 , just the day after my 47th birthday was scan day and I have been doing scans every three months for the first three years and then every six months for the next two years . So this scan was a pretty big deal for me . Just six months before , in May , I had a scan and I was really really hoping that that would be the last scan for a full year Because , again , after five years of scans , I was all set to have scans annually and I actually argued with my oncologist about the scan . I said you said five years . And she said , yes , I did say five years , but it hasn't been five years yet . And I said July is just a month away . And she reminded me that not five years from the date of my diagnosis , which was July 14 , 2018 , she said it needs to be five years after surgery , after radiation treatment and , ideally , after your very first clean scan . So , with that disappointment and after much negotiating , I agreed to come back in seven months , which would have been December , and , for those of you that have been following me , I was super excited . I was getting ready to launch into a new career , starting my own business . So I had plans to go part time at my job at the beginning of the year . So I had decided , oh , I'm going to move my scan up a month just because I wanted to be able to make sure I had my insurance . So my scan was originally scheduled for December and then I moved it up to November 6 .

Speaker 1 3:23

That day , my friend Dana picked me up to head on out to the cancer center . It was so funny . We had to turn on the GPS to get there and she was like but wait , wait , don't tell me what the GPS is saying . She goes . I want to see if I can remember it , because six months is a long time to just go to Durham , which is an hour away from where I live , with no GPS and it just seems like the roads are always changing . The scenery just looks so much different . We were both really excited that she was remembering what exits to take and we were laughing the whole way and joking about how , when we come back in a year , we're not going to remember anything .

Speaker 1 4:15

This year was the first scan that I've ever been excited about . I mean , I was so excited about this scan that I recorded the entire day on my cell phone . It is the first scan that I've really forgotten about in five years . It was also the first scan that I didn't send out a reminder and tell any friends or family . I didn't talk about scan anxiety and or anything like that . I wasn't even feeling nervous about the scan . This was the scan of all scans . It was my ticket to a one year follow up and this is the first scan that truly , truly , with all of my heart , that I just knew was going to be negative and it wasn't .

Unexpected Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment Options

Speaker 1 5:18

I knew as soon as the provider walking in the door was not part of my care team . She was really nice . She introduced herself and then the first thing she said was that my doctor wanted to be there today . But she was out of town and I thought , why ? Why would she want to be there ? This appointment wasn't even with my doctor , it was actually with my PA , because they rotate every other visit .

Speaker 1 5:50

Second sign that there was potentially bad news is that she was long winded . My care team has been looking out for me for five years and they all know that as soon as they walk in the door , I want them to tell me the scan is clear . I don't want to chit chat . I don't want you to ask me how I'm feeling . I don't want you to start examining me . I want you to tell me the results of the scans , and I have been so lucky that ever since this diagnosis , every time I go to get a scan , I see the doctor afterwards and I always get my results the very same day , and I know that is not the case for a lot of patients with this cancer .

Speaker 1 6:46

So she comes in , she is very long winded , but in reality it maybe only took like a minute for her to get the words out , but to me . It felt like forever . It felt like things were going in slow motion . I heard two lesions , mri metastasized . And then finally I heard I know this is not the news you were hoping for .

Speaker 1 7:18

I look over at Dana , I look back at her . I look back at Dana Is this happening ? Did she just say my cancer is back ? No , no , no , no , no , no , no , no . This is not happening .

Speaker 1 7:39

I look over at Dana she's not saying anything . Why is she not saying anything ? And then I look back at the provider and she's not saying anything . So then I'm trying to figure out what's going on . But then she is saying something . She's just she's wearing a mask , but it's like I don't hear anything . All I can see is her eyes and I can just see her head moving , but I literally don't hear anything .

Speaker 1 8:19

I felt completely numb and I felt like I was slipping , and I knew that feeling . It was the same thing that I felt five years ago when I got the diagnosis it's this autopilot . But this time it felt a little bit different than before . This time it felt dark and claustrophobic . Before the darkness felt safe , because before I didn't care if I lived or I died , because I just lost my husband , but now I do , or don't I ? How have I become so comfortable with the thought of death and why am I not saying anything ?

Speaker 1 9:25

But then the provider . She touches my leg and she says I'll give you a moment to process . And I look down at her hand and she's rubbing on my knee and that's when I start to cry . Why is this happening to me now , five years later ? Why does it seem , just as my life is starting to get good , that something always seems to come in and just tear it apart ? She asked me if I had any questions and I just I just sat there shaking my head , no , and just tears pouring out of my eyes . But then there was this little voice inside of my head screaming with questions . It's like you have questions , say something . Why are you not saying anything ? And I hear her . She's talking about treatments and options and next steps , and the only thing that can come out of my mouth is when can I get the MRI ? And she said we're gonna do our best to get that scheduled for you as soon as possible .

Searching for an Earlier MRI Appointment

Speaker 1 10:40

So I'm just gathering my composure and I'm like I need to leave . So we're leaving , we're walking out and it's the craziest thing . I just kept trying to turn at every corner , like just trying to turn to leave , to get out of there , and we're totally missing the way to the checkout . I can't even think so . We get to check out and it's the same guy that's there every time . He's so nice and we tell him that we need to get an MRI scheduled and he's like , well , the first thing we can get is December 9th and me and Dana , both at the same time , said no , that's not gonna work . And he just looked up at me and I don't know if he could just see it on my face . But he got back down on his computer and just a few seconds later he's like what about tomorrow ? Yes , we'll do it . We'll know more tomorrow .