Is the 1st Year really the toughest?

When we lose someone we love, we're often told that the first year is the hardest. But what happens when that first year is over, and we're still grappling with the void that person has left behind? 

After the first year Widows may find themselves feeling increasingly alone in their grief. Yet amidst the pain, there is hope and healing.  

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:37

Please excuse my voice Just getting over being sick for about a week and it's still a little scratchy. So when I talk it gets worse and then I want to start to cough. But I've really missed you and I wanted to record an episode and I know I've been a little sporadic lately, but I'm not going anywhere. It's just that I'm working right now on starting my own business and it's actually taking up a lot of time. So if you follow me on Instagram, you'll hear me talk all about it in my stories and I'll be making an announcement soon. So I'm super excited and I really can't wait to share more as I go.

Speaker 1: 1:26

Today I wanted to talk about that first year of losing your husband and how naive we can be to think that if we just make it to that one year mark that somehow it's just gonna get better. So is the first year the toughest? I mean, for me it was. It was really all about survival mode. I was literally hanging on for dear life dealing with my rare eye cancer diagnosis. So my first year was really a blur. But the first year will have all the first birthdays, first holidays and all the other important anniversaries without your person, but usually you still have people around that were wanting to share those with you. After the first year, your support system does start to dwindle a little. And just remember, everyone grieves at a different pace and others may very well be moving forward a lot quicker than you. After the first year, it can seem like you are the only one that cares or remembers about those special dates. You may be the only one who wants to still plan birthday dinner in their memory. You may be the only one who mentions their name at family gatherings. You may be the only person who is still visiting their gravesite and you will ultimately feel like you are the only person who thinks of them on a daily basis. Now, I know that there are a lot of widows out there that feel like they can't share things on social media about their husbands or their person after the first year, because other people are just tired of seeing it or hearing about it, and people may actually say something that makes you feel that way, like they're thinking that you should be over it Again. Just that one year mark. I don't know what it is about, that one year that everyone seems to think that's when it should be over. But you know, we as widows, we think that way too. You know that after a year we have permission to live Right. I like to talk about Tom and post about him, not only because I don't want to forget him, but I don't want others to forget him either. I know people love Tom in their own way, but as a wife or should I say as a widow I feel a certain responsibility to keep in his memory alive.

Speaker 1: 4:56

Also, during the first year there is a lot of crying, and the crying is expected. You feel it coming on. You know why you're crying. Other people see you crying, they understand. You know why you're crying. And again, it's excusable because you're grieving the loss of your husband or your person. But after a year or two, when your life starts to resemble some sort of normalcy and you're feeling like you've been dealing with your grief so much better, bam, just out of nowhere you start crying for absolutely no reason. And for me, it takes a moment for me to realize what's happening around me, to figure out what's triggered the tears. Usually those tears always lead me back to Tom.

Speaker 1: 6:03

When we cry openly like that, especially around people, you know, after it's been the first year or maybe even the second year, people might be taken aback a little bit Like, wow, I didn't realize that you still feel that way. And that is something that I've had someone say to me and I just it makes me think. What do you mean by you're surprised that I still feel that way? It would have almost been better if they would have said I'm surprised, you're still grieving, but to me it felt like there was only like an insinuation that I shouldn't love Tom as much now as before. So in the beginning I would let a crying episode like that bring me down for an entire day. I would immediately go back to bed and I would just want to lay there all day crying, thinking of Tom and everything that I've lost.

Speaker 1: 7:18

But now, when something triggers me to remember Tom and I start crying, I'll reach out to someone and I'll share how I'm feeling. If my best friend is home, you know she'll come over, she'll cry with me and ultimately it ends up being tears of joy, because now I'm no longer torturing myself about Tom's loss, I no longer think of my marriage with regret and I'm actually grateful for every moment that I've ever had with Tom. I cherish every single memory and I still do little things to honor him, but most of all, I try to live a life that I know that he would be proud of. I've learned to live more in the present and spend less time worrying about the future. I'm learning to love myself and put myself first. I'm figuring out who I am, what I want to be, what I want to do in life. And I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for Tom, if it wasn't for my life with Tom and my experiences with Tom and my love for Tom Because, after all, love is not dead just my husband.