F***K the Stages of Grief - Can we skip to the good part?

As a widow, I needed a roadmap to navigate the chaos of grief. There were no clear steps, no printed guide, but I made it through the darkest times - and my experiences can help you, too. This episode is a raw exploration of my journey through the stages of grief. I share my struggles with acceptance, my evolving beliefs about the afterlife, and my quest for understanding the nature of death. 

In this emotional journey through widowhood, we also examine the confusion surrounding the stages of grief, and common misconceptions about their order and duration. We eventually venture into the realm of finding purpose in grief, drawing wisdom from David Kessler's book, "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief". This episode is part of my survival guide, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's my way of reaching out to others walking the same path, a beacon of hope in the fog of loss. Because even amidst the waves of grief, love is not dead, just my husband.

And don't forget to Widow Your Way ❤️

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:37

Everyone wants a handbook for being a widow. We want to know how to deal with this shitty ass life that we've been built. And I tell you, something like the 12 step program for AA would be really nice, because there are plenty of groups out there to help you deal with grief and loss, but I would have given anything for some steps to help me manage life as a widow. That's exactly why I should have stayed in therapy. So if you have not been to therapy yet, please go. But all we get are the stages of grief. So we make the best of it. The five stages most people are aware of are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I don't think I need to go through each one. They're pretty self-explanatory and easy to google. I know this may seem strange, but I do wish that someone would have told me that the stages of grief do not come in any particular order. One may last a hell of a lot longer than the other, and not to mention that you can experience all in a single day. The other thing I wish someone would have explained is that there's no timeline for grief.

Speaker 1: 1:55

I'd always been under the impression if there was a beginning to something, there would also be an ending. I soon learned that this is not the case with grief. I wanted grief to be like a breakup. Over time I would stop crying. Out of sight, out of mind, eventually delete out his number, unfollow him on social media and distance myself from anyone or anything that reminded me of him. Until one day he is a thing of the past, a distant memory, faded so much that you almost don't believe it ever happened. This has not happened. Although Tom is out of sight, he is definitely not out of mind. His number is still in my phone. I have distanced myself from Kentucky, but not from some of his family, and although some memories have faded, the image of Tom has not, and I don't think I will ever forget his existence. I wouldn't want to, but when Tom died I was in shock or the denial stage. I couldn't believe it was happening, just like you, but for me that didn't last very long. If seeing his lifeless body laying on a cold, stainless steel table in the funeral home wasn't an indicator, it surely was standing there watching them close the casket with my son.

Speaker 1: 3:24

For me, the time of denial was over. This was happening, it was real And Tom was gone. Then came anger. Oh, i was pissed. I was pissed at the situation I was in. I was pissed about all the shit that I had to deal with. I was pissed with all the bills that needed to be paid. I was pissed about having to rearrange my entire life and figure out a whole new financial plan. I was pissed off at Tom for leaving me a fucking mess. I was pissed at Tom because we had unresolved issues.

Speaker 1: 3:59

Unfortunately, i was cut off here in my stages of grief so I can deal with my eye cancer And at that point felt like I was back to square one, grieving, but for something different, but still kind of both. I was in denial that this was all happening so close together. I was angry that this is what my life was. I was pleading, asking why this was happening to me. What did I do to deserve it? And with no answers, i fell into a depression.

Speaker 1: 4:33

This is where I stayed for years, and alcohol was how I coped. It's the only thing that made me feel normal or really feel anything at all, or so I thought. In reality, it was having me make bad decisions which made me feel horrible about myself. It's what I thought I deserved to be miserable for the rest of my life. But with the love and support of a few great friends, i found my way out of depression and started a quest for happiness, because I had forgotten what it was like to be truly happy, especially not under the influence of alcohol. On this journey, i found acceptance, but not in the way that most people think. When you read about acceptance, it's mostly about realizing your loved one is physically gone or accepting your new reality.

Speaker 1: 5:27

For me, finding acceptance was determining my beliefs about death. I'd already accepted the fact that Tom was physically gone shortly after he died, but where was he? spiritually? This bothered me. I needed to figure out my beliefs about death. What did I know about it? What did I grow up believing? I understand we're all going to die. Even I'll die one day. There's no sugarcoating this, it's a fact. But where was Tom Physically? his ashes are spread a little all over. The majority are in a hole at his dad's grave site. The remaining is in a small ziplock bag and little tiny urn in my closet. But spiritually, this made me question my beliefs about God, heaven and hell. Where do we go after we die? I've always believed in God that also questioned the Bible. I didn't believe half of what was in there and I think it's mostly made up by man. But it's okay.

Speaker 1: 6:36

It's a good story and it gives people something to believe in. Do I believe in God? Yes, i do. Am I his biggest fan? Um no. About faith Yeah, but probably not as much as others. Do I go to church? Um no, am I going to share every belief I have in God in this podcast? Maybe not.

Speaker 1: 7:07

The point is acceptance was not the final stage of grief for me. For me, i believe there is a sixth stage finding meaning. And if you haven't heard about it, it's a book, finding Meaning The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler. And this is what I mean by. Can we just skip to the good part? This is what we all want to know about death Why, what is the meaning of it all? What was the purpose of him loving me, me loving him, our marriage falling apart only to get back together and for him to leave me again permanently in death? It's all about what we learn from it. It's all about how we've handled ourselves through this entire process. It's all about discovering something meaningful from something so painful. It's about what we can do for others. It's about us creating our own widow handbook, and this is the meaning of how my story will be a survival guide for someone else, because, after all, love is not dead. It's my husband.